No Fear

I have recently come to terms with my biggest enemy - fear. Believe it or not, I used to be a fearless child. I was the girl who could bait a fish hook, run a horse, sleep outside without a tent, and swim in a swamp. One time, I even jumped off a second-floor balcony, just to prove I wouldn't break my legs. As a middle child struggling for attention among four siblings, part of my identity was to become the "tom boy." I needed to prove I could do anything boys can do. In high school, I took it so far, I even joined the wrestling team. It was a short lived pursuit, but I made it through two excruciating practices.

Lately, fear has turned me into a panicky nag. "Slow Down, " I yell to Jake in the car as he flies around the curb in his CRV. Where did this come from? Last time I went horseback riding all I could think about was falling off the horse and suffering the same fate as Christopher Reeves. That time, I didn't even break a trot, but when I was 13, I could canter a horse through a river and not feel the slightest tinge of fear.

Recently, I had the pleasure of visiting Kauai, a Hawaiian Island known for its skyward cliffs and rough surf. I envisioned myself surfing turquoise waves, sky diving, and zip lining through a canopy of trees. None of that actually happened. Although I would love to learn to surf, I've only swam in the Pacific a couple times. Waves throw me around like an abusive boyfriend, flinging my body to the ground and then sucking me back into an ocean of pain. I'm just not used to the superior strength of four-foot waves. One day, I will attempt surfing, but only after I master ocean swimming.

Sky diving might give me a heart-attack and I heard zip lining was a complete rip off. On my last day on the Island, we took a detour to Kipu Falls. The guidebook said it was the ideal waterfall to jump in and that it even had a rope swing.

After climbing over slippery rocks and through a chigger-inhabited sugercane maze, we reached the waterfall. Twenty feet doesn't seem so high until you're standing above, looking down, into a pool of darkness, not knowing what is at the bottom. Local guys back flipped off the edge of the cliff, as I held the rope in my clammy hands. Jake assured me I would be fine, even though just a minute ago he was doing the same thing: contemplating death.

"I'm not doing this," I said staring down into the wide pool.

Then something happened. The rebirth of my old self. The girl that could push fear deep into her belly and shut her brain off, if only for a second.

"Ahhhhh" I screamed as I swung out, past the tree and landed butt first into the fresh water.
The local guys clapped for me and I felt a deep satisfaction knowing I was one of the only girls to "cliff dive" into the waterfall that day.

I was beaming as I climbed back up. In those 5 seconds I felt a thrill I haven't felt in a long time. The sense of danger, the feeling that I could do anything -- as long as I stopped fear from controlling me.

Sometimes you just have to shut your brain off, embrace the spirit of Aloha, yell "Fuck This,"and do whatever it is you're afraid of. I promise, you'll feel alive like never before.