No Fear

I have recently come to terms with my biggest enemy - fear. Believe it or not, I used to be a fearless child. I was the girl who could bait a fish hook, run a horse, sleep outside without a tent, and swim in a swamp. One time, I even jumped off a second-floor balcony, just to prove I wouldn't break my legs. As a middle child struggling for attention among four siblings, part of my identity was to become the "tom boy." I needed to prove I could do anything boys can do. In high school, I took it so far, I even joined the wrestling team. It was a short lived pursuit, but I made it through two excruciating practices.

Lately, fear has turned me into a panicky nag. "Slow Down, " I yell to Jake in the car as he flies around the curb in his CRV. Where did this come from? Last time I went horseback riding all I could think about was falling off the horse and suffering the same fate as Christopher Reeves. That time, I didn't even break a trot, but when I was 13, I could canter a horse through a river and not feel the slightest tinge of fear.

Recently, I had the pleasure of visiting Kauai, a Hawaiian Island known for its skyward cliffs and rough surf. I envisioned myself surfing turquoise waves, sky diving, and zip lining through a canopy of trees. None of that actually happened. Although I would love to learn to surf, I've only swam in the Pacific a couple times. Waves throw me around like an abusive boyfriend, flinging my body to the ground and then sucking me back into an ocean of pain. I'm just not used to the superior strength of four-foot waves. One day, I will attempt surfing, but only after I master ocean swimming.

Sky diving might give me a heart-attack and I heard zip lining was a complete rip off. On my last day on the Island, we took a detour to Kipu Falls. The guidebook said it was the ideal waterfall to jump in and that it even had a rope swing.

After climbing over slippery rocks and through a chigger-inhabited sugercane maze, we reached the waterfall. Twenty feet doesn't seem so high until you're standing above, looking down, into a pool of darkness, not knowing what is at the bottom. Local guys back flipped off the edge of the cliff, as I held the rope in my clammy hands. Jake assured me I would be fine, even though just a minute ago he was doing the same thing: contemplating death.

"I'm not doing this," I said staring down into the wide pool.

Then something happened. The rebirth of my old self. The girl that could push fear deep into her belly and shut her brain off, if only for a second.

"Ahhhhh" I screamed as I swung out, past the tree and landed butt first into the fresh water.
The local guys clapped for me and I felt a deep satisfaction knowing I was one of the only girls to "cliff dive" into the waterfall that day.

I was beaming as I climbed back up. In those 5 seconds I felt a thrill I haven't felt in a long time. The sense of danger, the feeling that I could do anything -- as long as I stopped fear from controlling me.

Sometimes you just have to shut your brain off, embrace the spirit of Aloha, yell "Fuck This,"and do whatever it is you're afraid of. I promise, you'll feel alive like never before.

Gone Travelin'

I'm headed to Hawaii tomorrow! I feel that slight tingling in my stomach the way I always do before a big trip. I also feel a cold coming on.

I've never visited the Islands and can't wait to explore. I should be packing right now, but my empty house is for once peaceful and I need to relax.

I never thought I could do the things I'm doing right now. I never pictured ending up with a beautiful husband and enough money to travel. Growing up, Michigan was my family's only vacation destination. I didn't step on a plane until I turned 19 and visited my cousin in California. I never stopped. Thanks Brandy.

For now, I'm prolonging the moment, anticipating and pondering what is to come. If only I could feel this way everyday.

Moments of Happiness

The world can eat you up inside. Negativity feeds on my insides like maggots, turning me into a shell, unaware of all the beauty that surrounds me everyday. Somewhere along the lines I stopped believing in the basic good of people. I started to prefer concrete landscapes to pastures, I started to perfect my image. I started defining myself by what I do and where I live, which are only one small pieces of my real self.


I'm afraid to point out the beauty of the world. Afraid it makes me seem earnest, naive, and boring. Does anyone even notice anything anymore? When I ride the bus, headphones tucked in my ears, I do notice the mist that surrounds the skyline, the beauty of the water under the bridge, the wonderful people on their daily ride to work. I even notice the raindrops forming freckles on the window.

As I take that first sip of coffee or indulge in a croissant, I feel happy. It is so easy to get lost inside my labyrinth brain, but I'm coming out and trying to enjoy these little moments. I'd like to kill the cynicism and press the reset button just for today. I'd like to forget the difficult moments in my childhood and remember the good ones. There were so many good ones.

If only we could all reflect on these tiny moments of happiness and forget the crap that comes along with life. Forget becoming wrapped in an image and admired. Point out the good things, the real things, the reason we are here.